Sexual intimacy and activity is designed to be an expression of a spiritual and soulful intimacy that is initiated by discovering, experiencing and enjoying the love of God. It’s because we were created to live in an intimate relationship with God first. Paul is affirming that when you find that satisfaction in God, then the role of our sexuality finds its place and function within the context of being fulfilled in our own hearts, spirits and souls by knowing that we are loved by God. Any sexual deviation is symptomatic of lacking the love of God in our hearts. G.K. Chesterton once wrote that every time a man knocks on the door of a brothel, he is looking for God. That is a very profound statement because our need and desire for intimacy grows out of our need to know God and be known by Him, and to be loved by Him and to be loving.

The sex act is an outward expression of something that goes on deeper inside, and if we don’t know the love of God and what it means to be soulfully and spiritually satisfied by that, we will become prey to all kinds of sexual immorality and impurity. We live in a sex-saturated culture. In fact, sex has become a recreational feature, and almost completely divorced from its God-given intent and purpose. Many find themselves turning to pornography, or frequently with random partners, and it’s a way of masking their pain from something that has gone wrong inside. It may soothe temporarily, but always leads to demoralization and destruction.

Paul’s message in these verses is that living a life of love means saying no to illicit sexual activity. The context in which he was writing this is to the Christians in Ephesus, which was a city built around the worship of the goddess Diana, a god of hunting, but also the goddess of fertility. Sexual deviation was so commonplace in Ephesus that it was the norm. People didn’t recognize right from wrong, and not for many centuries, especially in our western world, has society today been as close to the morality of the 1st century under Roman rule, renowned for its sexual liberties. Over the last fifty years, we’ve seen incredible changes. What was wrong a generation or two ago is now applauded, and what was right is now viewed as restrictive, biased and wrong. It’s all about tolerance and individuality; freedom to be who you are and love who you want. There are no moral structures in place, and as long as there’s consent, anything is good, anything is legitimate. That’s our culture today, far removed from the value, purpose and truth God intended.

In the first half of Ephesians 5, Paul addresses both sexual verbal communication and illicit heterosexual activity, of which there are two kinds. There is fornication, which is pre-marital sex and adultery, extra-marital sex. After every stage of God’s creation, He said it was good, very good, but then He says in Genesis 2:18 that one thing was not good, and that was for man to be alone. So God created Eve, and there was male and female. His intent was that a sexual relationship would be enjoyed within the context and bounds of marriage. The fall destroyed God’s intent, so what holds potential for some of the highest joys in life can also bring some of the deepest pain and sadness.

All sexual sin is different from other sins because as Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 6:18, “All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.” Sexual sin is rooted in lust, not in love. We all have sexual desire, but lust is a self-centered seeking for self-satisfaction and is based on greed, whereas love is ‘other-centered’ and is based on giving. This prompts the question, is it legitimate to have a sexual relationship with someone we love outside of marriage? Two things the Christian life and marriage have in common are surrender and trust. Paul explains in 1 Corinthians 7:4 that a wife belongs to her husband, and the husband to his wife. That does not mean ownership, but a surrendering of each to each other. A wedding is a public affirmation that you have given up your independence in living for yourself, and now live in harmony with one another. It is a God-ordained union in which the two become one, and violation of this trust is a sin against God, the spouse, and against one’s own body.

The best preparation for marriage is learning to be content in yourself as a single person, because when you enter into marriage, you won’t envision someone who is going to meet all your needs, but you come in disciplined and secure, able to give and not demand. We find that security in ourselves by first finding that intimacy with God, which meets the deepest need of our hearts. Knowing we are loved by God and that His love indwells us prevents us from looking for substitutes, most commonly found in illicit sexual activity. Sometimes the beautiful teachings of grace in the Bible are being so wrongly interpreted to mean we can do whatever we want and God will understand. As Christians, we cannot sell out to the rampant divorce epidemic of our day, but instead earnestly commit our marriage to God and trust His working in it.

Paul also talks about verbal communication. “Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving” (Ephesians 5:4). By our conversations we sow seeds and thoughts that create pictures in peoples’ mind, which may lead to temptation. If we can’t talk about sexuality in the spirit of thanksgiving, we shouldn’t talk about it at all because it poisons the mind. We need to acknowledge God in our sex lives and be thankful for its proper place. There are many people who will try to persuade us that the sexual ethics of the New Testament are out-dated, but Paul says in verse 5, “Of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person – such a man is an idolater – has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God.” Though we may be Christian, living in an immoral way will keep us on the sidelines, not knowing the blessing of God in using us for His work in this world.

Paul doesn’t leave us there. He offers hope. “For you were once darkness but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) and find out what pleases the Lord” (Ephesians 5:8). When sexual depravity is exposed, it’s brought into the light, and there is accountability, which not only addresses the problem but will help us through it. We cannot simply reject these things from our minds, but they need to be replaced with something positive and constructive. 

David asks in Psalm 119, “How can a young man keep his way pure?” And he answers, “By guarding it according to your word.” Paul says in Colossians 3:16, “Let the word of Christ dwell in your richly.” As you do, by God’s Spirit, His revelations will take root, come alive, strengthen, encourage and motivate, thereby replacing destructive thoughts that an empty mind will gravitate to. Knowing the love of God and that this love can live in us will make for wholesome living where joy, peace and fulfillment are a way of life through Christ, our Lord.